University of Life
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What's On, 
Skull, where 
your brain 
normally is Arm, for 
cuddling people Another Arm, 
for cuddling people Ribs, where 
heart and lungs 
and gorey bits 
are kept The Naughty bits 
used for making 
more new people, 
and porn films Legs, used 
to hold the body 
up and for 
the cheapest 
transport available
Health, Hospitals & Clinics
SkeletonHospitals are where you go to when you have hurt yourself really badly and wish to be put back together again, it is also a good place to look for nurses who may wish to go out on a date (you know what they say about nurses).
Hospitals are filled with people who have made it a choice in life to help people, in their darkest days. They will clean you up after you have pooed yourself, or put up with people being sick in their mouths when they are giving them the kiss of life, they can sew bits back onto you after you have been fighting in the local clubs and pubs.

Modern hospitals are changing however, some say for the worse. Out of town hospitals are being built, away from the centres of population, so it takes longer for the sick people, to actually get there. With no-where else to go but the hospital, they charge you to use the car park, basically taxing the sick, and the people visiting them.

Oh for the good old days, where a hacksaw took off the offending limb after you had either been knocked out with chloroform, or if you were lucky, a gallon of alcohol, when the surgeons washed their hands before eating, not before operating, when a hospital was there to help the sick people, not profit from them, when middle management went off to get shot at in wars, not run hospitals.

Clinics are where you go when you get a really horrible, sexually transmitted disease, usually after a night on the booze in a really dark disco. The clinics will inject your most private parts with really big needles that hurt like buggery (whatever that feels like). They always tell you to abstain from sexual intercourse after treatment, but surely if you have a regularish partner that doesn't apply to them, does it?

The best types of clinics are the ones that house museums as well, looking at the parts of people removed for their own good can, not only be very interesting and educational, but also funny and a great place to take really squeamish people.

When walking into a clinic, don't do it furtively, trying to hide, but stride in with your head held high, proud in the knowledge that you have had sex, not just once, but enough times to have caught a disease, none of this namby pamby contraceptive rubbish for you, unprotected sex is the only way to feel the emotions that stimulate you and your partners, how ever many of them there may be. The staff will respect you more for you confident air, and some of the more attractive of them will want to take you out and buy you a meal.

Health Services
Doctor Did you know that you may be instantly exempt from health costs ?
If you are not ill you will not be charged anything

Can I claim for help with NHS costs when I'm at University?
If you like, it is always worth a try.

When you reach 19, you become liable for some NHS fees such as:
NHS prescriptions (buy your drugs elsewhere)
NHS dental treatment (clean you teeth properly)
Sight tests (if you can read this, you don't need glasses)
Glasses or contact lenses (see above)
NHS wigs and fabric supports (a nice blond wig and shoulder pads)

If you are attending University, then it's possible to fill in an HC1 form (forms always more forms).
The form is an application for exemption on the grounds of low income (a Student on low income, surely you jest). The certificate is designed for those with a capital of 8,000 or less. (It is important to remember that if you have a partner, any capital they have is counted with yours, as it should be.)

The process of application is quite simple. All you have to do is pick up a form from one of the following; Student Union Welfare Offices, Department of Social Security, some Chemists, Doctors and Opticians, old Uncle Tom Cobley and all. You must then fill in the form (they won't do this bit for you, they just take the easy way out, and give you the form) by giving all relevant financial information and send the form off to the given address (now we have to buy a stamp, can't it be e-mailed?).

After you have sent off the claim form, the information that you have supplied is used to work out how much you may claim towards health costs by comparing your income with your requirements (so basically lying on the form is the name of the game, hmmmm, we should have told you that a bit earlier). You will then receive either a Certificate HC2 for full help (total exemption from any costs) or Certificate HC3 for limited help with costs (of course you get back more forms, rather than money).

If you do not want to delay your NHS treatment (you are choking to death, your heart has stopped, you are bleeding profusely) you may need to pay and claim a refund later (if you survive that is, if not, then don't pay the incompetent sods). If you have already paid for something, you may be able to claim a refund by filling in an HC5 form (yet another form, still no money) and sending it off (not more postage).

The process can appear to be very daunting and tedious but just remember that it could save you a lot of money every year!

There are certain circumstances which give you exemption from all or some of the health costs. Those who are instantly exempt from health costs:

Children under 16 & young people under 19 and in full time education get free: Dentist
- NHS prescriptions (free drugs)
- NHS dental treatment for any course of treatment that starts before your 19th birthday (get sick early).
- NHS sight tests (see)
- NHS wigs and fabric supports (more blond wigs and shoulder pads)

You also get:
Vouchers towards the cost of glasses or contact lenses (sod vouchers, give us money).
If you have lost or damaged your glasses or contact lenses (look for the signs)
If you need help with travel costs to and from the hospital for NHS treatment (bus fare)

People with a specific medical condition can get free NHS prescriptions:
If you suffer from any of the conditions listed below and you have an exemption certificate from the Health Authority:
- a permanent fistula (now that could really hurt, remove rings and watches first).
- forms of hypoadrenalism (e.g. Addison's disease, caused by multiplication) for which specific therapy is necessary (it all adds up).
- diabetes insipidus and other forms of hypopituitarism (no idea, could mean anything).
- diabetes mellitus where treatment is by diet alone (don't eat diets)
- myasthenia gravis (implants too large).
- epilepsy requiring anti-convulsive therapy (tie you to the bed).
- hypoparathyroidism (also known as Supercalafragalisticexpealidoshus).
- myxoedema (mainly found in Rabbits).

You can have a 'free sight test' (Can you read this? Then you have passed, well done, have a lolly)

People with impaired hearing can get shouted at:
- NHS hearing aids. The aid will be supplied with batteries and replacements. It will be fitted, serviced and maintained free of charge (bit like a coil really).

Patients of a Genito-Urinary Medicine (GUM or Evo stick) Clinic can get help with:
- travel costs if you are the patient attending a GUM clinic in England or Wales that is more than 15 miles from home (I would hope so, I wouldn't like to live near one of them).
- companions travel costs if it is medically necessary for someone to travel with you (sick partner! You had to catch it from somewhere).
- if you are being treated for an STD in a hospital, prescriptions are free through the GUM clinic or any other hospital. If your GUM clinic gives you a prescription for anything other than an STD, normal charges will apply (you stuck it in, you pay the price).

Pregnant Women & those who have had a baby in the last 12 months get free:
Ear plugs and happy pills.

People receiving Income Support can get free:
Everything really

People receiving Family Credit can get free:
Certificates for having a baby.

People aged 60 and over can get free:
Certificates for living that long.

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The University of Life, Every City, Every town, Everywhere, EVE RY1