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Cinemas are places to go to hear other people eat very noisy snacks just behind you, whilst telling the person next to them in a loud voice exactly what is going to happen next in the film as they have seen it the night before. The screens are either too far away, or too close depending upon where you have to sit. I well remember seeing True lies at a cinema, where the screen was nearly eight feet away, and above us, our heads were actually resting on the knees of the people behind as we craned our necks back to see.

Modern cinemas have wonderful sound systems, which are never set right, making it hard to hear dialogue at a crucial time, like those rare moments when the eater behind you has taken a rest between popcorn and crisps. The screens are sometimes sharp, though not always, and then there is the wonderful moment when the film breaks, normally while the projectionist is off chatting up the kiosk girl.

With the modern DVD's and large screen TV's filling our lounges, and the surround sound systems (all got on tic) there is no reason to visit the cinemas anymore, and they can be left for the back seat brigade, youngsters with nowhere else to go for a snog, married couples (but not to each other) seeking the anonymity of the darkness, and of course the town flasher.


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